Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

05 March 2011

THE CHURCH OF BASEBALL

I posted this a while ago, but decided to repost it.

Around this time of year when the news begins to report on Spring Training, I have to pull out my old VHS video of "Bull Durham" ---one of my all-time favorite films (despite my general disinterest in baseball or any other sport.) I also added a quote I found recently.

Enjoy!

SHELTON, RON, writer, director, producer, composer (1945- )

“I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex... I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.”

(character Annie Savoy played by Susan Sarandon, “Bull Durham” 1988)
------------------

"A man once told me to walk with the Lord.
I'd rather walk with the bases loaded."
---Ken Singleton
(as reported in AARP Bulletin, March 2011, p.47)


17 February 2011

OPEN LETTER TO AN ANTI-GAY CHRISTIAN

I RECEIVED THIS (AND SEVERAL SIMILAR MESSAGES) VIA EMAIL AND I HAVE SEEN IT ON VARIOUS WEB SITES. I RAN ACROSS IT AGAIN TODAY. I THOUGHT MY READERS MIGHT ENJOY IT.

As Mark Twain wrote: "Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."


Dear (Choose your favorite religious hypocrite),


Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the Bible's other specific laws and how to best follow them.


a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?


b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?


c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.


d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?


e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?


f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?


g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?


h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?


i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?


j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.


Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,


(Sign name here)


I attempted to find the original writer, but this has been passed around so much, it was an impossible task.

20 April 2010

ATHEIST HUMOR 2 - The Adventures of God

I just happened on a post at collegehumor.com and found it hilarious, just like the Bible stories it is mocking. Check it out.

05 January 2010

JESUS IS MY CO-PILOT !!!!


I know you are wondering why an atheist would title a post, "Jesus is my co-pilot."
Bear with me. You will see.

My husband and I needed a new car, but since my husband can fix anything on a car, we normally buy used. So we looked in the paper, Auto Trader, eBay, & Craigs list. We found two in good to excellent condition, within 15 miles of us, in the price range for which we could pay cash, but they were both 8-9 years old and had more than 90,000 miles on each. Anything newer or with fewer miles was more expensive and most older cars had body problems. Plus, we haven't had much luck with the last few used cars we had --transmission problems, a/c not working. Each one has cost us major bucks within 2 or 3 years and would have cost much more if my husband hadn't done the repairs himself.
I happened to see an ad in the Sunday (1/3/10) paper to lease a new car for three years, no down payment, 0% interest, a maintenance pkg. that covers everything including annual state inspections, the dealership paying for our plate and registration and the first month's fee. The total cost (including taxes) was about $1240 more over 3 years than we would pay for a 8-9 year old car. But, when we figured what we would save on gas mileage, not having to rent a car while my husband works on our older one, the interest we would earn on the cash we would have paid in full for a used car instead of withdrawing the monthly payments, and the cost of general maintenance (oil, filters, etc.) we would actually pay $500 less over 3 years for the lease rather than a used car. Plus we would have a reliable, worry-free car covered by a manufacturer's warranty.
We've never leased before, but we had to decide immediately if we wanted to do that because the deal ended Monday. We checked Consumer Reports which rated that 2010 model very highly.
So first thing Monday, I called the dealership from the ad and talked to Bob. The deal sounded good, but it was a long drive in frigid, snowy weather to that place. So I called a dealer 7 miles from home and talked to a salesman from Puerto Rico. His deal was nearly identical. He pronounced his name Hay-zeus. I was not quite awake yet, so it took me a second to realize that he would spell his name Jesús.
My husband nearly choked on his coffee when I told him I had just spoken to Jesus.
We chose the color of car we wanted, a dark green with a bluish tinge and took a test drive. Jesús took his time to explain everything. He was not a wheeler-dealer trying to get us to take something more expensive, and actually gave us some hints on saving a few bucks. We signed the papers. While a credit check was done and the car prepped, we looked through the manuals. Jesús gave us his card and told us if we have any problems that we should call him directly and he would intercede for us.
Then he said, "Well, it's sort of like.... Are you Catholic?"
We answered, "No."
"Are you Christian?"
"No."
"Are you religious at all?"
We shook our heads.
"Do you know anything about religion?"
I answered, "We've both been indoctrinated. It just didn't take,"
"Well, you know how people pray to Mary or Jesus to intercede for them with god?" We nodded. "Well, that is what I will do for you, intercede with the right department, if you have any problems with the car."
I just couldnt' help myself. I said, "Well, in a way, Jesus will be interceding for us ---won't you?"
Jesús laughed. He had a great smile.
When the car was prepped, including a full tank of gas, we were ready to roll. Meanwhile, it was nearly 9 pm, closing time, and it had started to snow again.
While my husband scraped snow and ice off our old rust bucket of a car, I got in the driver's seat and Jesús got into the passenger seat of the new car and he explained to me what every single thing on the dashboard did and even programmed the radio to our favorite stations. I kept thinking of the bumper stickers I have seen that say, "Jesus is my co-pilot."
We had received a good deal on a new car. It was the first time since I was 12 that I can say I really liked Jesus. He seemed like a great guy.

------------------
Update 1/14/10: Today we received a hand-written postcard in the mail from Jesús. He signed his name with beautiful penmanship. I asked my husband if he thought we could offer Jesus's signature on eBay? I figure it is just as valuable as a piece of toast featuring the image of the Virgin Mary.












Update 5/5/12:  "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."  ---attributed to Albert Einstein

Although I cannot see the names of individuals who have viewed this blog, I can see where viewers are from and I can see if they have found my blog by entering keywords or a question in a search engine. On several occasions, and again today, I have seen that someone has arrived at this post by asking, "Where in the Bible does it say, 'Jesus is my copilot?'" (today, from a reader in Federal Way, Washington)

Say what?????  The only "pilot" in the Bible was Pontius Pilate ---and he was no "pilot" but perhaps more akin to the physical fitness system "pilate" ---but only because of the spelling. I wasn't sure when "pilot" first came into use, but it boggled my mind that anyone would think the word "copilot" was in the Bible.  I researched the word "pilot" and learned that the term was not even in use before the 16th century. It came from a French word derived from a Latin term, with it's original derivation coming from the Greek word for rudder. In the 16th century the word referred to a ship's pilot. 
________
And by the way, we have been enjoying our car.  The lease will be up in 8 months, so we are pondering what we will lease next.

copyright 2010, C. Woods

26 December 2009

SMART ASSES ESCAPE CHRISTMAS


Near Vail, Colorado the Eagle River Presbyterian Church has an annual tradition of creating a live nativity scene, but two smart donkeys ran off before they were set to play their roles. The borrowed donkeys had been placed in a pen on Wednesday night, but the animals escaped.
Footprints in the snow led a church member and a sheriff's deputy to an area near railroad tracks where the donkeys were found to be fine.

I wonder if those donkeys planned to hop a train to escape their fate of standing in a cold hut for hours, being stared at by strangers, and pretending to worship the son of an imaginary god.

(Source: Vail Daily http://www.vaildaily.com)

10 June 2009

LET THERE BE LEGOS™


I recently discovered The Brick Testament website which features Biblical stories illustrated with Legos™. The Bible Review chose the unusual art for the worst Bible art award in 2002 while Stuff chose it as the best combination of toys and God's wrath in 2005.
The Brick Testament made it into Rolling Stone magazine's Hot List 2005 (10/06/05). "It's filthier than Hustler. It's more violent than The Sopranos. It's pretty impressive for an illustrated Bible made entirely of Legos™." Rolling Stone goes on to say that the artist creates "strangely compelling pictures online and occasionally publishes his work in glossy, coffee-table friendly books ---if incest, gang rapes, beheadings, bestiality and wholesale genocide are your idea of parlor chitchat."
The Biblical tableaus are designed in Legos™, then photographed with a digital camera by The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith, the son of an Episcopalian Sunday school teacher. East Bay Express (10/26/05) reports that at age 13, Smith decided to reassess his boyhood superstitions. "I didn't start out with the goal of questioning my religious beliefs, but eventually got around to it... Belief in God just didn't make the cut." About reading the Bible cover-to-cover for the first time while studying philosophy at Boston University, he says, "I must say I was pretty shocked." Smith is now an avowed atheist.
Spin magazine (February 2002) described the Biblical scenes as "alternately childlike, disturbing, and hilarious." Smith is quoted: "If there's an unspoken intention to the site, it's to have those who believe in an all-loving and merciful, family-values-supporting God be confronted with the barbaric, heinous, and grotesque stories from the divinely inspired book their religion is based on. Plus, it's a cool Lego™ project..."
To answer the question, "Is he really a reverend?" the website's reply is: "Most ministers, priests, or other religious clerics would not actually use 'The Reverend' before their own names, for to do so would be presumptuous and rather vain. The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is not an ordained member of any earthly church, and is widely regarded as being both highly presumptuous and extremely vain."
Smith says he sometimes receives complaints from people upset by his depiction of sex in the Bible. He adds, "No one has ever complained to me about the far more prevalent depictions of violence."
The artist adds ratings to each scene: N=nudity, S=sexual content, V=violence, C=cursing. The Bible Review (8/14/02) says, "Genesis, it seems, is least appropiate for children. Paul's letters come next."
Spin says to ignore the ratings "if you wanna see Lego™ Adam giving it to Lego™ Eve from behind."

Note: click on the "press" link at the top of the The Brick Testament website for more press coverage and the "about" link for more information about the site.

To see other amazing art created from Legos™, go to:
or, search for "Lego art" on the web


25 February 2009

RANDOM THOUGHTS



• “Never engage in a battle of
wits with an unarmed person.”

• “
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.”

• “The wages of
sin are unreported.”

• “The difference between
genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”

• “The only thing necessary for the triumph of
evil is for good men to do nothing.”

• “
Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand.”

• “A fool and his money are soon
elected.”

• “
Chaste makes waste.”

• “
Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell but you can’t catch them at it.”

• “Everybody is somebody else’s
weirdo.”

• “There is nothing so
insignificant that it cannot be blown totally out of proportion.”

• “There are
lies, damned lies, and church statistics.”


(These quotations are all from unknown sources.)

19 February 2009

MAN IS THE RELIGIOUS ANIMAL

















Man is the Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion —several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.”
(from "The Lowest Animal")
---MARK TWAIN



01 February 2009

Roy Zimmerman sings about TED HAGGARD

LUST demotivational poster

Anyone from outside of the U.S. may have missed the story of Ted Haggard. He was the head of the New Life Church and president of the National Evangelical Association, an evangelical group that oversaw 45,000 churches. He was a confidant of George W. Bush with whom he had a weekly phone conversation about what Jesus wanted the government to do. Haggard was outspoken about the evils of homosexuality.

Well.... that was until Mike Jones, the man he paid for gay sex, informed the media about their monthly interludes which included Haggard's use of crystal meth. Of course, Haggard denied the charges, but eventually admitted to the gay sex. He said he bought the meth once, but threw the drugs away without using them.

Now he is saying that he is a heterosexual with "issues."
(Read more about sex and religion on my post "Is Religion a Guarantee of Moral behavior? Part I" which can be found HERE.)

Please enjoy this humorous song by Roy Zimmerman called "Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual." It is a gem.




(Note: The reference at the end is to another U.S. evangelist, Oral Roberts.)

Other humorous religion-related videos by Roy Zimmerman:
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