In my attempt to show that being religious
is not a guarantee of moral behavior,
this post is part of a series of reports featuring
the bad behavior of religious people, past or present....
Look for other posts showing the bad behavior
perpetrated by members of other religious groups.
That crazy purveyor of doom, Pat Robertson, and his Christian Broadcasting Network, have done it again. Now CBN has decided that demons have infested Halloween candy. Yep, according to the CBN website, demons sneak into bags of Halloween candy at grocery stores.
According to Kimberly Daniels of CBN, Halloween is a gateway to hell.
“[M]ost of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches... Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.... Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.”
Mmmmm? First she calls Dracula, werewolves, mummies, and witches "fictitious characters," then says "these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist." Fictitious or real? Which is it, Kimberly?
I have a few suggestions for those who believe demons may be in their Halloween treats.
First, try some old religious tricks.
1) Apparently a crucifix can stop a vampire. A few little demons in a bag of M&Ms ought to be easily eliminated with a few passes of one.
2) Genuflect over the candy. If you can't remember in what order you make the sign of the cross, take a hint from the film "Nuns on the Run": "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch." Hey, if it helps a basketball player to make a foul shot, why not try it on your candy.
3) Perhaps a prayer might help. If you think it can save someone's life, then a prayer certainly ought to save you from Halloween demons.
4) Jews have rabbis at food processing plants to assure the food is kosher. Churches could assign local ministers and priests to processing plants or grocery stores to bless the candy, thus certifying it to be demon-free?
5) Take your candy to church on Sunday. When no one is looking, sprinkle a little holy water on the wrappers.
6) Cut those candy bars into cross shapes. Throw out anything that is not part of the cross ---because it will indeed be wicked. Eating the cross should not hurt you.
But the very best way to rid your candy of those pesky demons is to find a more powerful god. If your god is so impotent that he can't throw the devil out of candy meant for innocent children, let alone preventing it from being contaminated to begin with, it's time to search for a bigger and better supreme being.
Now, if you still believe there are demons in your Halloween candy, I have a bridge you might want to buy.....
If you have a creative suggestion for ridding your candy of demons, please leave a comment.
(with the exception of the quotation from Kimberly Daniels)
text and image copyright 2009, C. Woods