31 October 2009

CHRISTIANS BEHAVING BADLY #13 -Demonic Tricks or Treats?

In my attempt to show that being religious
is not a guarantee of moral behavior,
this post is part of a series of reports featuring
the bad behavior of religious people, past or present....

Look for other posts showing the bad behavior
perpetrated by members of other religious groups.

That crazy purveyor of doom, Pat Robertson, and his Christian Broadcasting Network, have done it again. Now CBN has decided that demons have infested Halloween candy. Yep, according to the CBN website, demons sneak into bags of Halloween candy at grocery stores.

According to Kimberly Daniels of CBN, Halloween is a gateway to hell.
“[M]ost of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches... Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.... Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.”
Mmmmm? First she calls Dracula, werewolves, mummies, and witches "fictitious characters," then says "these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist." Fictitious or real? Which is it, Kimberly?

I have a few suggestions for those who believe demons may be in their Halloween treats.

First, try some old religious tricks.

1) Apparently a crucifix can stop a vampire. A few little demons in a bag of M&Ms ought to be easily eliminated with a few passes of one.

2) Genuflect over the candy. If you can't remember in what order you make the sign of the cross, take a hint from the film "Nuns on the Run": "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch." Hey, if it helps a basketball player to make a foul shot, why not try it on your candy.

3) Perhaps a prayer might help. If you think it can save someone's life, then a prayer certainly ought to save you from Halloween demons.

4) Jews have rabbis at food processing plants to assure the food is kosher. Churches could assign local ministers and priests to processing plants or grocery stores to bless the candy, thus certifying it to be demon-free?

5) Take your candy to church on Sunday. When no one is looking, sprinkle a little holy water on the wrappers.

6) Cut those candy bars into cross shapes. Throw out anything that is not part of the cross ---because it will indeed be wicked. Eating the cross should not hurt you.

But the very best way to rid your candy of those pesky demons is to find a more powerful god. If your god is so impotent that he can't throw the devil out of candy meant for innocent children, let alone preventing it from being contaminated to begin with, it's time to search for a bigger and better supreme being.

Now, if you still believe there are demons in your Halloween candy, I have a bridge you might want to buy.....

If you have a creative suggestion for ridding your candy of demons, please leave a comment.

(with the exception of the quotation from Kimberly Daniels)
text and image copyright 2009, C. Woods


rita said...

This is a great response to that disgusting article & a great post Halloween post.

One of the incidents that happened in the denomination I was in back in my born again days that started me on the road to secularism, had to do with an anti-Halloween campaign waged by the local church leaders. Basically the same sort of things that the CBN nuts claim. I really didn't pay much attention to it myself, even at the time I thought is was silly & hysterical. What made me angry was that the same people who had spouted that hateful drivel as God's truthful word, the next year in the same church with a new more liberal pastor those same people were out trick or treating with their children as if they had never stood up in front of everyone & swore on the bible, so to speak. It was the hypocrisy of their actions I couldn't abide. Another shocker was, I was the only one who was appalled by that. One thing I had assumed in the Church was sincerity. My very religious Mother excused their actions saying "Christians are only human, after all."

Anyway I'm going to link this post on my blog.

Gregory White said...

Pat Robertson vs. Larry Flynt debating about prostitution on radio show.

C Woods said...

Those kinds of things turned me off, too. I remember all the talk about loving one's neighbor, then a black family walked into our church and some of the "good" Christians got up and left. I was about 12 and that made a big impression on me about the difference between what one says and what one does.

I can excuse mistakes in religious people ---I know they are human ---but when religious people set themselves up as examples of morality and say that one has to believe in Jesus to be a moral person, I can point out many examples of Christians who have done exactly what they preached against: Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Ted Haggart, and Pat Robertson are just a few of these notorious hypocrites.

I go into this in more depth on my post: Is Religion a Guarantee of Moral Behavior?

C Woods said...

I admit seeing that Robertson supposedly admitted to using a prostitute peaked my interest. But, alas, that radio broadcast was a hoax.

I left a comment on that website stating that I was sure it was a hoax and Joey Panto responded confirming that it was, as he calls it, "dark satire." First, the voice is all wrong. Next, Robertson would never admit to something like that in public, even if it were true. I believe he is a hypocrite and I would love to see him exposed as one, but on the other hand, I hate seeing false rumors about anyone spread on the internet, even someone as reprehensible as Robertson.

rita said...

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I read the post you linked to & I liked your reply to Tim. One of the things that a lot of Christians take for granted that they sometimes don't even think about is... the assumption that human beings are "badly messed up" as Tim put it. That is a myth perpetrated by religious folk throughout the ages who like to bully people into thinking they need to be saved from themselves.
My take is that human beings are evolving, & one of the things we are leaving behind is antiquated religious beliefs & their false sense of morality.

libhom said...

I think eating the chocolate should kill the demons. I plan on trying it over and over.

George said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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